“Love doesn't just sit there, like a stone, it has to be made, like bread; remade all the time, made new.”
— Ursula K. Le Guin
I recently had a conversation with a dear friend about her long-term marriage. I am also close with her partner.
The friend has chosen to remain anonymous, but encouraged me to share an edited version of the core advice I shared with her, as she felt it could help other people.
So, here is an edited version of what I told her:
[Let’s call them David and Sophia.]
Keys to Long-Term Partnership
I think you two have so much built-up resentment that it's almost impossible to see each other clearly—and so easy to get upset.
——
Consider listening to The Power of Now by Eckhart Tolle—all the answers are in there.
I deeply recommend this. You don’t have to understand all of it.
Listen for at least an hour and see what you get out of it.
You can skip directly to the part about relationships, which is about 4/7 of the way into the book.
——
You can find your own peace within yourself regardless of how he is.
To do that, you have to deeply accept him just as he is.
Stop judging him and wishing he was different.
He is as he is.
You can either leave him, or accept how he is, or you'll keep suffering a lot.
——
[At this point in the conversation, Sophia says she doesn’t like how he is, he drinks too much, he embarrasses her and says stupid things in front of people]
That’s your perspective, it's not necessarily Absolute Truth. He is as he is. Many people like how he is.
——
I won’t claim to have the final answers.
I think it could also be powerful if you two went on some sort of retreat together sometime.
A week where you're not drinking or anything, but eating healthy and doing healing and relationship-rejuvenating activities together.
——
[At this point, Sophia says she’s too dead inside to want to try, doesn’t think she loves him anymore, often can’t stand to look at him, is sick of walking on eggshells, and sick of him telling her all she does is nag. She doesn’t care that he recently hurt himself.]
I understand, I can feel how much resentment you have toward him.
I believe deep down you do love him, but it's covered by so many layers of resentment and pain.
He's a good-hearted man.
[“To everyone else,” Sophia replies.]
Just because he acts a certain way toward you, that doesn't mean that that's who he is.
You have to try to see his heart beneath all the layers of resentment between the two of you.
If you started treating him with acceptance and compassion you would notice a remarkable change in him, I suspect.
You don’t treat him that way [with acceptance and compassion].
You harshly judge him and your tone sounds resentful often when you speak to him.
[“Because he doesn't treat me that way,” Sophia replies.]
Sure, but do you see the catch-22 there?
One of you has to break the cycle.
Who can be the bigger person?
You both keep acting it out because you feel it from the other person.
One of you has to really choose to start letting go of the resentment and really deeply accept and love the other person again.
Not necessarily be in love with them.
But just allow them to be what they are without judging them.
You both judge each other so much.
I know it would not be easy to do this.
But that's what it would take to break the cycle of suffering.
Just truly let go and accept Reality as it is.
He is who he is.
You can spend the rest of your life hating him and making yourself miserable.
Or you can accept him as he is and just love him as he is and be patient and forgiving.
And then he might surprise you.
Marriage is one of the most difficult things in the world.
Most marriages have a lot of unhappiness.
Because it takes a huge amount of consciousness and presence to maintain a healthy partnership for that long.
It requires deep spiritual growth.
You have to become more and more Christ-like to keep it healthy.
Christ would not judge David and condemn him.
He would just love him as he is.
He would see him like a child.
“Forgive them father, they know not what they do.”
That's what Jesus said about those who were *crucifying* him.
That's what it takes — total forgiveness.
You have to completely stop keeping score and just accept him as he is and love him as he is.
And then you might be amazed by how he changes — especially once *you don't need him to change*.
Because your peace will not depend on him.
If you Accept Reality as it is, you have peace.
Plain and simple.
If you resist reality, you suffer.
By judging and condemning David all the time, you are resisting reality.
You are saying, “This is wrong and it should not be this way.”
God doesn't see it like that.
God loves all his children exactly as they are.
Try to see David as a child who has lost his way.
He is suffering a lot and confused and has a lot of pain.
He doesn't know how to handle it, so he takes it out on you.
He doesn't want to do this, but the pattern is so deep now and it takes him over.
It takes both of you over.
It's like a demon that has become attached to both of you.
To break out of it one of you has to become more Spiritually Conscious.
More Christ-like.
More All-Loving.
Like God is.
When you judge and condemn David, you are being like Barb (a friend of Sophia’s who Sophia finds judgmental and dogmatic).
Jesus and God are not like that.
They do not judge at all.
Everyone is allowed to be who they are, exactly as they are.
And ironically, that is the most powerful way to create a space for true change and transformation to occur.
By loving someone exactly as they are, you give them the space to remember their own loving essence.
[“Some great advice, Jordan, thank you,” Sophia says.]
Welcome. <3
It's not easy at all, it's a big challenge.
Tanja and I have done a ton of consciousness / spiritual / transformation work, and we still have plenty of moments of tension and challenge.
Eckhart Tolle says that relationships are not there to make you happy, they are there to make you conscious.
It's good to look at it that way... to always ask, "How would Jesus see this situation? How can I be more like Jesus in this situation?"
And then if you do become more Christ-like, you will be happier in all your relationships, because true happiness is found in loving Reality exactly as it is, loving people exactly as they are.
Not wanting things to be different, but loving your life exactly how it is.
We're all human, we're not perfect, we all have our shadows...
David tries really hard, he's a good man, but this world is rough.
It hurts and traumatizes all of us a lot, and most people have not learned how to deal with this in a healthy way.
The True Medicine that can heal anything is Love...
To Love people exactly as they are, and to learn to Love yourself exactly as you are...
This is what heals everything and brings everything back to God.
I recommend writing down 50 reasons you are grateful for David, with a pen and paper.
Remember all the things he has done for you, how he co-created your children with you, all the good memories.
And spend some time imagining him as an innocent child who has lost his way and become confused because he is hurting a lot.
Like it or not, you chose him.
He may seem like a curse, but in fact you have an opportunity for him to be your most powerful medicine...
Because if you can learn to Love him as he is and heal your relationship with him, your entire life will change...
You will know what it is like to be Christ-like on Earth — that is what life eventually asks all of us to do.
God calls all of us Home to Love...
He does this in mysterious ways...
The people who trigger us the most, are doing us the greatest service.
They are showing us where we are closed off to Love.
My grandparents have one of the most beautiful relationships I've seen on Earth, based on my observation. It's a miracle they still have so much love and peace between them after 60+ years.
I believe this is because my grandmother learned to be Christ-like on Earth.
She let go of judgment and just started loving everyone as they are.
David, Barb, and so on...
Love them all exactly as they are, warts and all.
Because you've got your warts too, and you cannot truly love your own warts till you learn to love everyone's.
Everyone is very hurt and very afraid.
Everyone is carrying so much pain and suffering.
This earthly life is a very difficult school for our souls.
We come here to learn very powerful yet painful lessons.
Don't make it harder on all of us by judging and condemning people.
Start to see everyone as little children of God who are doing the best they can.
Start to see the little Lila in everyone.
(Referring to my 10-month-old daughter, Lila.)
We are all little Lila, just doing our best to find our way.
[Sophia sends a “<3”]
<3
I'm far from perfect, I judge people and myself all the time too...
Love is a practice.
If you truly want things to change, you have to start practicing every day.
There is no magic pill or shortcut.
It's a daily practice of Presence, Acceptance, and Compassion.
You have to start observing your own mind and reality closely.
Watch for all the subtle ways you judge yourself and others and take yourself out of this Now moment.
Watch all the ways you live in the past or the future.
Just notice and hold all these things in Love, and start to let them go.
Start to live your life in the Now and Love the Now just as it is, no matter what it looks like.
That is what Jesus did.
If what i'm saying resonates, consider printing it off and re-reading these words to remind yourself.
[“I appreciate you taking time to share your knowledge <3,” Sophia says.]
You’re welcome, Sophia. <3
Just trying to help.
Love is the answer to everything.
Living in the Now and Loving the Now exactly as it is.
It's extremely simple but extremely challenging to actually do.
It's a lifelong practice.
But that is how we experience Heaven on Earth.
Like Jesus said, “Ye must become like little children to enter the Kingdom.”
Children know, before we indoctrinate them and confuse them.
They're innocent, they just live in the Now and Love and Play.
Like animals.
Like Grace (Sophia’s dog).
They just live in the Now and Love.
Grace Loves both you and David so effortlessly, she doesn’t judge you.
Be like Grace is to you, toward everyone.
[“I'm starting to understand,” Sophia says.]
<3 Beautiful.
Salvation is always available to you, it's always Here Now.
All you have to do is Accept and Love the moment just as it is, no matter what it looks like.
That's how God sees everything.
And God is not a man on a cloud in the sky...
God is your own deepest essence.
Christ is not apart from you, your deepest nature *is* Christ's Love.
You have access to that, and you can unlock it if you start to practice.
It's not easy, but it's the most worthwhile thing to do.
[“So do I try to be happy that David drinks too much or might very well have a drinking problem?,” Sophia asks.]
Above all: Accept it, and accept whatever feelings you have about it.
Start to observe your own thoughts and emotions as if you were watching them from God's point of view, almost as if you're outside yourself.
Notice that you can just hold everything in Acceptance and Love, if you practice.
If you feel grief and sadness about David’s drinking, just let yourself feel those things and accept that you feel that way.
If you feel anger, let yourself feel it and accept that you feel that way.
When you let yourself feel your emotions and let them be as they are, when you accept them, they start to heal and release.
Then you can gradually move toward a place of Neutrality, where you simply accept the Reality that David is using alcohol to self-medicate because he is in a lot of pain. This is very common in our culture, millions of people do this.
The sooner you accept this and view it with compassion, the sooner you create the conditions for it to actually change.
You will not get David to change by trying to force anything on him, but if you start to love and accept him as he is, you might be surprised what happens.
Either way, you can find your own peace by accepting your life the way it actually is.
Rather than comparing it to an idealized fantasy that does not exist.
No person or marriage or life is perfect, we all have our shadows.
I'm sure even my grandparents’ relationship has had plenty of challenges and dark spots over the years. That's life.
We can resist this and wish it were different and make ourselves suffer, or we can accept our lives as they are and see the beauty and poetry — “the perfection of imperfection.”
Imagine your life is a movie...
A movie would be boring if all the characters were perfect saints who didn't have any issues...
Movies are interesting because there are imperfections, issues, conflicts...
Human life is like that...
There is great beauty in the imperfection.
If you can learn to Love David and your Life as they are, you will also learn to Love Yourself much more deeply, just as you are.
If we completely Loved ourselves as God Loves us, we would not judge anyone or anything.
We judge others because we are not entirely Loving ourselves.
So ultimately it's up to you...
There's no quick fix, it won't be easy, it will be an ongoing practice.
I don't honestly get the feeling you will be happier if you break up with David at this point.
Maybe you would meet someone else, and at first it might seem better, but then you'd gradually realize they are also human and have their own issues, and your challenge would be the same: Love the imperfect human that they are.
But it's up to you, you have to feel in your Heart what God is asking you to do and what you truly desire.
What God wants for you is the same as your deepest, truest desire for yourself.
[“Thank you so much for putting in words I can understand,” Sophia says.]
You're welcome. <3
I'm glad you can understand what I'm saying.
[“I will work on it,” Sophia says.]
“Treat others as you wish to be treated.”
I know you don't like how David judges you for different things and tells you to change.
You wish he would just let you live your life and be who you are and appreciate you for who you are.
So give him that gift and see what happens.
[“That’s beautiful,” Sophia says.]
You're both amazing and beautiful people. You both have hearts of gold.
It's no one's fault that your marriage has gotten to this point. Let go of any guilt or blame or shame.
Millions of people are in the same situation, or much worse.
And all of them are being asked to learn the same lesson: Love, Forgiveness, Acceptance, Letting Go.
That's what we are all here to learn, and this world gives us a profound opportunity to learn it.
We are all here to learn how to walk each other Home.
With Grace and Love.
And to see each other as God sees us: As beautiful little Lilas.
Anyone you feel unresolved resentment towards… Start forgiving them all.
See them all as little Lilas who lost their way... see yourself as a little Lila who lost her way...
We are all finding our way back to God.
Let go of pride and needing to be right...
Being Love is much more important than being right...
God is Love.
Fast Forward
Sophia asked me if she could read some of our conversation to David. I said yes.
A few days later, she wrote:
“I read our conversation (most of it) to David, sobbing through a lot of it. He too was crying. Your words resonated with both of us and I know are going to help us, we have already both promised each other to do better. We both said what an amazing friend we have in you! You are blessed with gifts of writing, compassion and knowledge to name a few. You truly amaze us. Immediately after reading this and us both promising to do better, the sun came out! (It has been a rainy, cloudy day!) God is good!”
I replied:
<3
:’ )
Beautiful, so glad that went well and helped you both release some emotions.
I love you both and truly pray for the healing of your relationship. <3
[“I love you too,” Sophia said.]
God is good, beautiful that the sun came out.
And thank you both for appreciating me, I am proud of you both and amazed by you too. <3
In Sum
Thank you for reading, friend.
I hope you found something valuable here for you.
Cheers to practicing Love for a lifetime and beyond.
Sincerely,
Jordan