I Am Wildly Fucking Selfish 😈
(And increasingly happy about it) 😇
“A psycho,
God made me that.”
— Mac Miller
I am selfish.
There is a big part of me that is just straight up self-interested.
I want epic, luxurious, juicy, delicious experiences.
I want a lot of money.
I want a lot of wild sex.
I want to travel to wondrous places.
I want to eat at exquisite restaurants.
I want to own nice things.
I want power, fame, influence, and recognition.
I want to perform in front of large crowds.
I want to be free to do whatever the fuck I please.
And so on.
I’ve done and had all these things to varying degrees in life already, yet I still want more for myself.
I want a dope home and a dope lifestyle.
And sure, I love the idea of doing this stuff to inspire others by showing them what is possible…
And I love the idea of creating a beautiful life for my family…
But also, to a great extent, if I’m savagely honest…
I also simply want these things FOR ME.
I want them simply because they turn me on. They make my cock hard. They feel sexy and attractive to me.
I love myself, and I love giving myself beautiful experiences.
I have repressed and denied my own selfishness in many subtle and crafty ways.
I have come up with many noble and spiritual-sounding justifications for it.
“I just wanna do it to show people what’s possible.”
“It’s time for conscious leaders to dissolve their money blocks, amass wealth, and use it to buy land and build the New Earth.”
“Money and sex want to ascend now.”
“I wanna do all this so I have more power and influence that can be used to serve the whole.”
“I wanna be rich so I can share it with others.”
Etc., etc.
These stories are all true to some extent, I feel…
But I’ve also used them to lie to myself.
I’ve used them to deny and cover up the part of me that simply wants to live my fucking dreams FOR ME.
Simply wants to know and experience my own God-given power and sexiness and abundance FOR ME.
Simply wants to do epic shit because *I* love epic shit and believe *I* deserve it.
I felt and still feel a lot of shame around my own selfishness.
“How un-spiritual of you,” my an inner voice says.
“You should be more selfless, like Gandhi or Jesus or Maharaji.”
“You can’t teach people about God and awakening and healing and freedom and empowerment while simultaneously carrying this selfishness. You’re a hypocrite.”
Where is this voice coming from?
When did I internalize this shame?
I don’t know.
Ironically, this supposedly “spiritual” voice is scathingly judgmental.
___
So, this is something very alive in my present process:
Dissolving identification with the false voice of an idealized “spiritual” self…
And embracing the fullness of what I *actually* am.
Letting ALL OF ME come online.
Consciously allowing ALL PARTS to come out to play.
My selflessness AND my selfishness…
My vast love for others AND my vast love for myself…
My inner angel AND my inner demon… 😇😈
The part of me that wants to melt all cages and liberate this entire planet…
AND the part of me that doesn’t really give a fuck and just wants to get his own cock sucked because it feels amazing…
Because guess what?
That’s who I actually am.
*Both* sides of the polarity and everything in between.
And also *neither* polarity—something far *beyond* any category.
I’m all of it, none of it, and far beyond.
We all are.
And I’m tired of reveling in only a fraction of my nature.
I want ALL of me.
Because guess what?
God made me this way.
God made me an angel-demon.
And God loves me exactly as I am.
I have met my Maker and there is not one iota of judgment or condemnation in that all-redeeming Source Light.
God is Love.
And in every single moment, God wants us to be exactly what we *actually* fucking *are*.
Nothing more, nothing less.
We are His-Her children.
The Father-Mother just wants to see us be ourselves and dance our dance.
I’m tired of not being fully honest with myself and others about the nature of my dance.
I am dark-light, saint-sinner, angel-demon.
I am Jesus Satan, I am Albus Voldemort.
And far beyond these.
I cease now to celebrate only a fraction of my nature.
I am a multidimensional poem, and I want to love every nook and cranny of myself.
And I want to love every nook and cranny of you too.
I want to lovingly fuck you into the full orgasmic remembrance of your own angelic-demonic bliss-nature.
I dream of a world where all are free to be ALL of themselves.
ALL of what we actually fucking *ARE*.
“In heaven, all the interesting people are missing,” Nietzsche said.
My favorite people know their light *and* their dark.
Their inner cherub *and* inner monster.
They are palpably in touch with what Alan Watts called mankind’s “irreducible rascality.”
I don’t know about you…
But I am a rascal.
*And I like it that way.*
I dream of a world where my daughter and all children are not taught to edit themselves…
For it is in this editing and shaming and suppression that our darkness becomes distorted—twisted into something violent and ugly…
Whereas when we bravely acknowledge, love, and celebrate ALL of ourselves…
We restore the original synergy and harmony of our total nature.
Fuck your light-only pretentiousness.
Monsters lurk beneath your white gown.
What have you been hiding from yourself?
The words “unconditional love” mean nothing if we do not love our inner phantoms.
And make no mistake, until the day that we stop rejecting and demonizing the phantoms within ourselves…
Our phantoms will unceasingly haunt us. 👹
——-
Maybe at some point I will grow out of my selfishness.
Maybe I will burn through that karma and feel no further desires for myself.
Maybe my ego construct will fall away like a dead poinsettia petal and I will wish only to be of service to other beings.
(Yet even then, wouldn’t I still be selfishly doing what brings me joy, if what brings me joy is to ‘selflessly’ serve others?)
Maybe…
But that day has not yet arrived.
That karma has not yet been burned through.
Yes, I want to uplift the whole, but the WHOLE includes ME.
Even after dozens of ego death and total dissolution experiences…
I still have huge dreams and yearnings and lustful desires for MYSELF that have not dropped away.
In my universe, there are no accidents…
So that means these selfish desires are there for a reason.
God wants me to have them.
They are necessary for something.
I suspect they are essential rocket fuel to PROPEL me to where I am meant to go.
I was never meant to play a small game in this life.
If I was, I wouldn’t have spent the last 9 years traveling the world, having epic experiences, meeting legendary people, creating dope shit…
I’m meant to play a big game in this world, and that game requires DESIRE and PASSION and MONEY and SEXUAL MAGNETISM and POWER and REACH and INFLUENCE…
All paths are valid, all paths have their trade-offs, curses, and blessings…
My path is not “better than”…
It’s simply MINE.
As I shared recently, I am just an ordinary dude with big dreams that he never gave up on…
And yes, in part my grandiose dreams and lifestyle and identity were formed in response to substantial early-life traumas…
But they’re still ME.
In a profound sense, the garden of who we are grows directly out of the hole in our hearts.
Our unique medicine tree grows straight out of the fissure left by the poison black spike of our deepest wounds.
I’ve spent a lot of my life unconsciously running away from my darkest pain.
But at some point I started running *toward* something too.
I started running toward a dream that I felt burning in my cells.
A dream of travel, freedom, abundance, passion, wildness, sexiness, soul fam, creativity, getting paid to exist, rocking stages in epic locations…
A dream of a world where all beings are FREE to live their excitement and BE the fullness of who they actually fucking ARE.
I started running toward that dream first and foremost for ME.
Simply because *I* WANTED IT.
I had come to realize I’d been lied to from all angles for my entire life.
I was riddled with deep pain and wounds left by a world that had done its damnedest to crush my soul and turn me into a slave.
Yet against the odds, my soul remained intact, and I loved my soul and vowed to let it FLY.
Gradually, over the years, my dream and vision have expanded to include all beings. My heart has opened further and further, and in its most loving moments, it includes all of Creation.
I carry the vision of a Free Earth for all of us now…
And yes, that sure as hell still includes ME.
JB, the kid from small-town Iowa, the one I know best…
The one who waded through so much swampy shame and self-hatred…
Buddhists would tell him he has “no self”…
But then what is this soft animal body?
What is this tender poem of flesh and bone, filled with these memories, contemplations, pains, ecstasies, and dreams?
It’s the god-spark called Jordan.
He’s here. He’s actual. And I love him.
I love me.
I can only ever love anyone else to the depth I have learned to love me.
So yeah, I am selfish. Wildly fucking selfish.
I love this child of God, Jordan Clark Bates, and I want him to have it all.
On my best days, I want all of us to have it all…
But *ESPECIALLY* JB.
I’ve been following his story closely for 31 years, you see, and by this point I’m pretty damn invested…
So, especially me.
And especially my family.
If it came down to it, I don’t know if I’d die for a random stranger.
But I do know I’d die for my family.
Especially my daughter, Lila.
I love her so profoundly—perhaps as much as I love God, perhaps as much as I love freedom, perhaps as much as I love me.
And when I feel into what I want for her…
I want her to celebrate the fullness of what she is.
I want her to be all of herself.
I want her to do what ignites her soul.
I want her to love herself so much that she allows herself to live her dreams.
I want her to know the version of me who stayed absolutely true to himself.
I want her to somehow love herself and God and Life even more than I do.
I want her to be free.
Loving Dragon Power,
JB 🐉
P.S. If you’re sincerely ready to love *all* of yourself… And step into your true *power*… Stop procrastinating and apply for ∞ Presence of God. ∞
A few spaces left. $333 off if you register by September 15th. This event will alter the course of your entire life. 🌋
