Where Am I Full of Shit?
Please tell me. Reflections on my shadows
Author’s Note: I wrote most of this months ago and am just getting around to publishing it.
“WHERE AM I FULL OF SHIT?”
This has been one of the most fruitful questions I have ever asked myself.
Pondering and journaling on this question over the years has revealed a great deal about my blindspots, shadow tendencies, shortcomings, and ways in which I project a certain image of myself that distorts the true picture of who I am.
The crazy thing about this question is that it always goes deeper. There are always more subtle layers of shadows/blindspots/misalignments that can be unearthed. I don’t recommend overdoing it with this type of work—for then you risk becoming imbalanced toward being a ‘shadow hunter’—yet it is profoundly valuable to periodically get radically honest about where you’re full of shit.
Please tell me: Where do you think I’m full of shit? What am I not seeing about myself? In what ways do I (subtly) lie to myself and others? Leave a comment or reply to this email.
Don’t pull any punches. I appreciate the direct feedback.
My Biggest Shadows and Blindspots
Here are some of my biggest historic shadows and blindspots that I have identified over time and have been working deeply on:
Arrogance & self-centeredness. Self-aggrandizement. Inflation. Excessive self-focus. Puffing myself up. Thinking I’m special. Thinking highly of myself.
Acquisitiveness. Greed. Over-attachment to money. Allowing myself to do things somewhat for money rather than purely channeling whatever God wants to bring through me.
Over-attachment to sex. Immature boyish neediness for sex. Non-sacred porn use. Approaching physical sex with porn-consciousness and selfishness. Viewing sex primarily as a hedonistic pleasure-seeking act rather than as the most sacred act (of child-creation) that a man can possibly engage in.
Desire to teach. Desire to put myself above others, on a pedestal, in a position of authority, dispensing ‘teachings’ to those ‘below.’ Desire to be seen as ‘the enlightened one’ who figured it all out and can ‘tell you how it is.’
Peter Pan syndrome. Boyish selfishness. Not wanting to grow up. Wanting to simply wander the world endlessly, fulfilling my own selfish desires, without taking on real responsibility.
Non-dual bypassing. Using ‘non-duality’ and ‘enlightenment’ teachings as a way of ‘keeping life at arm’s length’ and closing the heart. Trying to ‘hide out in the Absolute’ rather than becoming heartbreakingly intimate with all of existence.
Need-to-be-doing-something-ism. Inability to unplug and be still. Always feeling like I need to be creating something, learning something, or getting something done.
‘Look-at-me’-ism. Needing to be special. Needing to be in the spotlight. Needing to impress and be admired. Needing recognition.
(Subtle) addictions, dependencies, energy leaks: Social media, alcohol, cannabis, porn, poker, screens, sex, money, entertainment, stimulation.
‘Nice guy syndrome.’ Not being direct with people. Not telling it like it is. Sugar-coating. Living to please or to avoid disappointing others.
‘Spiritual ego.’ Making spirituality into an identity and subtly using it as a way to feel special or look down on others.
‘Leader-in-hiding syndrome.’ Avoiding the fact that I am a leader. Recoiling from my truest calling and destiny. Playing the ‘reluctant king.’ Numbing and distracting myself rather than showing up fully as the leader I am meant to be.
Over-fixation on ‘permanent full alignment.’ Being overly hard on myself for the oh-so-human ways that I periodically numb out and distract myself and escape life.
Over-attachment to ‘playing the fool.’ Finding a comfort zone being a ‘sacred clown’ and telling myself that’s what I really am. Limiting myself to that out of fear of owning and integrating my leader, king, father, and warrior.
Playing the ‘addicted lover.’ I spent a lot of years rapidly falling head-over-heels in love and becoming massively over-attached / over-fixated on girlfriends or love interests from a place of non-wholeness within myself, thereby sacrificing sovereignty and self-respect.
‘Shadow magician.’ I have (unknowingly) played the shadow magician many times, using my strong powers of communication and persuasion to manipulate people and situations in a direction that gratified my egoic self-interest.
Under-reporting the dark side of psychedelics. Though I’ve discussed this topic in depth at times, I have often tended to be overly bullish on psychedelics without properly acknowledging the risks and shadows/blindspots of the psychedelic community.
Over-fixating the dark side of C-19 response. Looking back on the C-19 years, I feel that I over-fixated on a dystopian interpretation of events that was too heavily based on over-valuing personal freedom at the expense of collective well-being. Though I continue to feel the C-19 situation was handled unwisely and grossly distorted for corrupt ends, I can now better see/feel the point of view of those who attempted to prioritize collective safety during those years.
Over-fixating the dark side of civilization. Probably due to some deep childhood wounds, I have tended to over-fixate a view of civilization as an elaborate slave ship or ‘control system’ in which elites and/or extra-dimensional parasites feed on the energy of the brainwashed masses. I believe there is substantial truth in this viewpoint, yet there is also substantial truth in the view that our civilization is a miraculous wonderland full of beauty and possibility.
Over-fixating the dark side of Christianity. Having been raised Catholic and having become disillusioned with Christianity around age 18, for years I severely demonized Christianity, largely overlooking its many beautiful attributes.
Not allowing ambiguity. I’m pretty good at allowing ambiguity, yet sometimes I definitely fall into the trap of getting over-attached to a particular lens or model of reality, and strongly feeling like “I’m right,” even though all maps/models/lenses dramatically over-simplify our endlessly nebulous, infinite-dimensional reality.
Imbalanced toward playing the rebel. I have had a strong auti-authority streak for as long as I can remember. I never liked being told what to do. I’ve always rebelled. This is a deeply ingrained aspect of me that can result in substantial bias in many situations, as well as an under-appreciation for the gift of wisely constructed hierarchies of authority.
Imbalanced toward playing the ‘devil’s advocate’ or provocateur. Closely related to the former point, I always want to debate, challenge viewpoints, stir the pot, and poke the bear. During a class in middle school a fellow student once loudly called me “Mr. Argue-Every-Point-Till-You-Die.” I don’t like arguing/debating nearly as much as I used to, yet sometimes this tendency still rears up and bites me—and I find myself arguing or provoking just for the sake of arguing or provoking. And this can be a waste of energy.
Imbalanced toward playing the ‘shadow hunter.’ This was a recent revelation that hit me pretty hard. I’ve done so much shadow work over the years, and I’m always dissecting people and situations to look for the blindspot or find out where people are full of shit. I did so much of this that I actually developed a strong bias toward always looking for the shadow, and thus often under-noticing and under-appreciating the light and beauty of many people, many situations, entire cultures/societies/religions/etc., and civilization at large. I’m now actively working on re-balancing the scales on this one.
In Sum
These are some of the largest historic shadows and blindspots that I’m ongoingly working on.
Thank you for reviewing these contemplative notes.
Hopefully something here provided a useful mirror on your own process and being-ness.
Things are as they are.
All of this—it is as it is.
The knots untie themselves with perfect pacing.
Let yourself see yourself clearly.
Be truthful with yourself.
Truth-full-ness is the root of Love.
Amen.
Peace,
Jordan
P.S. Note: 7 days left to get 55% off all my courses for Numinous November.
love this