Where Am I Full of Shit? — Part II
Where Am I Full of Shit? — Part II
Further excavations of my shadow
Author’s Note: I wrote this in 2021 and never published it, probably due to shame and not being ready to ‘expose’ my own shadows to this extent. I’m okay sharing this now, though. It’s an excellent demonstration of the potency of journaling on the question, “Where am I full of shit?.” Highly recommend journaling on this question.
I'm full of shit.
Why do I post endless "truth bombs" yet never share things like:
I rarely keep my spaces tidy/clear and often neglect to do laundry for weeks on end.
I feel pangs of jealousy at the success of others—including others whose work I love.
I’m presently quite addicted to online poker. I’ve probably played ~100+ hours in the past month.
I sometimes find myself checking social media and Blockfolio dozens of times per day because my monkey brain wants dopamine and validation.
I used to get blackout drunk all the time and although that hasn't happened in years, I still like to drink and usually have ~1-3+ drinks a few times per week.
Some friends and family members of mine believe I am either a cult leader or part of a cult. My own mother has sobbed and shouted at me on various occasions due to feeling my involvement with psychedelics is dangerous and will drive me crazy.
I used to get wasted and have regrettable one-night-stands and questionable flings mainly out of a lack of true self-love and a desire for sexual validation.
I was haunted by guilt, shame, and anxiety for years before Ayahuasca allowed me to experience a slate-clearing Rebirth.
I used to wonder if I was insane or sick because I would often have "intrusive thoughts" of a violent or pornographic or suicidal nature. Such thoughts still arise sometimes but no longer trouble me in the same way.
I realized I was somewhat bisexual/bi-curious while on mushrooms at age 20 or so and had a major crisis / near-breakdown due to my homophobic small-town Christian upbringing.
I once had my heart broken by a shaman I was romantically involved with, right before attending her Ayahuasca retreat. I still attended her retreat and received large cups of Aya four nights in a row from the woman I was madly in love with while setting an intention to let her go. I sobbed and purged and writhed for hours and hours and also had some of the most profound non-dual breakthroughs / mystical God-union experiences of my life. After that retreat I had two trauma release massages that turned into literal exorcism-like experiences; "Jordan Bates" mostly dissolved; my voice shifted to that of an Old Man (Perhaps me in a parallel life) and was saying things like "YOU SHALL NOT PASS!" and "BE GONE!!" as I spent hours writhing and spitting and frothing at the mouth and hissing, clearing what felt like literal demons, many lifetimes of past trauma, and large amounts of collective trauma. I saw visions of ancestors and saw one vision of a past life in which the Shaman woman and I had been a King and Queen and I had beheaded her because she was possessed by a demon and was going to somehow bring havoc to the Kingdom or to our family.
I periodically doubt my own Truth.
I feel I and we are literally all One, meaning that in a sense "I" am also Hitler and Stalin and Jeff Dahmer and Mao and Genghis Khan and all of the sickest and most twisted humans who ever lived (as well as Buddha, Jesus, Lao Tzu, etc).
I used to get so drunk I'd sometimes piss my pants in my sleep. I've also woken up in my own vomit. I once literally shit my pants on a friend's futon in college while terribly hungover. I've done cocaine and ecstasy and other uppers in a purely hedonistic / party-mode manner.
I usually call my parents once per month or so and often feel I'd like to call more often, but I don't. Only rarely do I call my grandparents. Thankfully I am usually able to visit home and see my family several weeks per year or so.
I have historically had issues truly respecting other's boundaries, especially when it comes to personal spaces and environments. I have a certain deep-seated sense of juvenile entitlement that has led me to take advantage of the hospitality and generosity of others on many occasions.
For years when I was younger I stole shit randomly from stores and from my own employers. I'd even stack the deck sometimes while playing poker with my best friends.
When I taught English in South Korea in 2013-14 my heart wasn't really in the teaching and although the kids seemed to enjoy my presence overall, I could've done a lot more to actually teach them.
I spent years espousing various moralistic and spiritual ideologies entirely unaware of the degree to which my promotion of these ideologies was a compensatory mechanism designed to bolster my own self-righteous ego.
I made tens of thousands of dollars from a course I co-created called 30 Challenges to Enlightenment. I believe this course is a powerful tool but it's much more about self-mastery/empowerment than enlightenment, and it is in many ways a fairly textbook example of catering to our culture's "endless self-improvement" obsession that I now see as a fairly doomed strategy to alleviate lack-feelings that can only be alleviated through genuine awakening to what you already are. (2023 update: It’s a good tool for holistic training & self-initiation, though.)
My fiance is pregnant and we have been through a massive, murky emotional process around it. Despite my lifelong desire to be a father I have noticed parts of myself that are in denial and just want it to go away so I don't have to sacrifice some of my own self-centered freedoms.
I have a deep-seated compensatory mechanism of wanting/needing to appear as the smartest/wisest person in the room, or wanting to play the Wise Teacher, to prop up my own ego.
I feel virtually everyone is "racist" or discriminatory in the sense that we all (unconsciously) harbor deeply-imprinted stereotypes about people based on surface characteristics. Sometimes racial slurs or other "taboo" language spontaneously pops into my mind in everyday life. In solitude I have shouted racial slurs, not from a hateful energy, but more so as a purge—or from a deep part of me that does not feel there should be any words one cannot say. (2023 update: This is true *and* it is true that in my Heart I love and appreciate all types of people.)
There is a "Peter Pan" part of me that really, really does not want to die. A part that basically wants endless freedom to pursue comfort, hedonism, leisure, and ease without ever having to grow up.
I've taken probably thousands of selfies in my life.
I've stayed in long-term relationships long beyond their expiration date due to neediness and being engaged in codependent mutual-validation loops.
I lack humility and an attitude of selfless service in many contexts. I am rarely quick to help people clean up or do dishes, and I systematically underestimate and overlook just how many mundane, not-fun tasks must be accomplished by someone in order for me to enjoy the fruits of civilization.
I have often prioritized my own wealth and lifestyle over true next-level dedication to the stated Mission of my projects.
I still to this day catch myself blaming my inconsiderate or self-destructive behavior on "conditioning" or "shadows" rather than entirely Owning It and vowing to cut what is not serving.
I have a difficult time making any sort of deep promise or commitment regarding the future. I justify this by saying I like to stay in the "Infinite Possibility Space," which is true on one level yet also serves as a romantic-sounding spiritual justification for not Showing Up and going All In on deeper levels.
I still find myself defending my own highly-limited points of view even after years of attempting to dissolve attachment to beliefs and opinions.
I still catch myself getting triggered by a $70 restaurant bill or being concerned about not having "enough" money. I still notice myself hesitating a lot before making (sizable) investments in programs and opportunities that I know are aligned.
I've freely shared hundreds of thousands of words and thousands of essays/posts online yet for some reason still have never officially published a damn book, for some weird reason. (2023 update: Happily, this is no longer true!)
I catch myself needing or wanting my partner to behave in a certain way rather than completely allowing her to be as she is. I also notice myself not calling her out on certain behaviors even when I know deep down it would serve her and our relationship to do so.
I am resistant to working in teams and notice myself procrastinating on building a solid team to support my own projects, electing instead to do most everything myself. I have a deep-seated lone-wolf tendency and easily become impatient/frustrated with team dynamics.
I notice myself still craving/needing to be seen and to appear important and to be admired.
I often spiritually bypass the inequalities and mass suffering of the world because it's easier and more convenient to stay aloof in the Absolute where there are "no problems."
While I do feel our collective reaction to C-19 has been dystopian and unwise in many ways, I also notice how it has triggered me by threatening my selfish desires for comfort, convenience, and freedom of lifestyle.
I neglect to share vulnerable stuff like this on social media and tell myself it's because the Absolute is more important than the personal, yet *actually* this post is far more uncomfortable to share and thus likely more important.
I often speak from the highest vantage points I've realized and neglect to acknowledge where I still struggle and where I get "hooked" back into separation.
I got super triggered last summer by the mere contemplation of being in an open relationship with Tanja, leading Tanja to generously agree to be mono-focused on us for a while. More recently this trigger shifted somewhat yet we are still keeping things focused on us for now and for the foreseeable future.
In many situations I can be indecisive and unclear about what I want, and second-guess myself.
On some level I still fear to lose what I have (money, status, audience, lifestyle, etc.).
Under the guise of spirituality I have engaged in a lot of "Love and Light" mutual-self-validation with various circles of people/friends, rather than relentlessly calling out bullshit / falseness, even though the latter would often be more truly loving and illuminating.
I smoked weed almost daily for ~7-8 years. I also sold weed for a couple years. I often smoked simply impulsively or to numb myself. I still smoke maybe ~15% of days at this point, often taking several-week breaks, and my relationship with Santa Maria is much healthier.
In my life I have often been quick to fault-find and project responsibility outward rather than taking ownership. I have also often been quick to subtly judge others as being "less advanced," etc.
I have done and thought some things that I deem too taboo to even list here, as I do not want to invite moralistic witch-hunters to proverbially "burn me at the stake."
I want to help birth a "New Earth" yet I misplace belongings constantly, often (over)eat shitty food, and rarely keep my own space clean.
On a number of occasions I have become inflated, ungrounded, and grandiose after psychedelic experiences, until Life found creative ways to bring me back to Earth (at least I think I'm back). These "floaty" episodes resulted in various forms of inconsiderate and unskillful behavior.
Further Reflections
Phew, okay, that was a lot!
This was a powerful exercise in self-reflection and self-acceptance.
While it's somewhat uncomfortable to share all this publicly, I can honestly say that I don't feel *too much* of a charge around any of these items at this point.
I used to crucify myself over relatively minor things like a "good" Catholic schoolboy.
Now I'm more so in a space where I allow myself to be as I am.
I'd be kidding myself if I said I was going to clean up all of these behaviors overnight. I don't actually want to do that, so it wouldn't be authentic to claim that that was going to happen.
Yet I do see that I'm nowadays far more aligned and in integrity with my deepest Truth than I used to be, and that I tend to dissolve less-integrous stuff ongoingly.
Even if I *didn't* do that though, even if that wasn't my tendency—would it still be okay to love myself exactly as I am?
Of course. The only time and place you can love yourself is exactly where and when you are: Now.
Ultimately I'm human and I feel I'd be foolish if I thought my purification journey would be "finished" at any point in this lifetime. I don't even really like the word "purification."
On the Absolute level I know there is nothing to purify, as it's all Always Already God / Innocence.
Yet on the relative level I see and know and feel in my Heart the value of ongoing purification. Not from a place of guilt or not-enoughness, but from a place of genuine Love for the Whole—from a place of desiring to express that Love in one's life.
The tricky part is that it can't be contrived. If you "purify and purify" and rigidly control your behavior from a place of lack or not-enoughness, you'll suffocate and constipate yourself and dim your light. And that's just arrogance. Like everything worthwhile, it has to authentically come from within.
So be easy on yourself and let yourself be human. And also tune in with yourself and see what shifts may be "knocking at your door," wanting to blossom organically in your life.
And again: Regardless of what is shifting or not shifting, just let it all be exactly what it is. The journey is the destination. Squeaky-clean one-dimensional humans don't exist. We are all complex Dostoevsky-novel characters on winding paths. We all have proverbial "skeletons in the closet." This is the human condition. Let it be.
Whether you realize it or not, you and everything else are aspects of a Master Painting by the One Intelligence of the All. Every aspect, every shade, every texture, is Perfect. Seen non-judgmentally, Life is an Epic Multi-Dimensional Mega-Novel that is far more interesting and rich due to the inclusion of the characters' complexities, warts, foibles, and idiosyncrasies. What the hell kind of story would it be if we were all one-dimensionally angelic for all of history? Boring. Humdrum. Like Nietzsche said, "In Heaven, all the interesting people are missing."
So let it be. Notice the richness and complexity of your funny character. Chuckle at it. Blossom into greater alignment and integrity if that is what is Real for you, but feel no obligation to force or contrive it. Love yourself honestly as you are, not as a fake projected image. Or if you can't do that, see if you can warmly accept and hold your own inability to sincerely love yourself.
Unclench the fist. Let the pressure go. Heave a sigh of relief. Have a laugh. This trip is wild and many-layered for everybody, and none of us makes it out alive. May as well appreciate the patchwork characters we are while we're still on stage, alive and kickin'.
I see that the less-shiny, shadowy qualities I've just revealed here are *simultaneously* the exact essential qualities that have enabled me to live the life I've lived and to wind up in this exact moment, full of gratitude for the whole crazy trip. Ain't that a hoot?
Life is a funny thing. It's a masterfully crafted game designed by the Highest Genius of the Supreme Architect. Who are we to deem it "good" or "bad" or to say we'd prefer to change it in X or Y way? It is as it is. And fuckin' A is it a doozy.
I'll raise a beer glass and say Cheers to Life and Cheers to all of you, just exactly as you are, warts and all. Thank you for being you. You're a keeper in my book.
Love,
JB
P.S. Note: 4 days left to get 55% off all my courses for Numinous November.