Dear Friends,
I got Covid.
It hit me pretty hard last Monday, and I spent most of the last week in bed. Tanja and Lila got it too, which made for quite an intense and at times frightening and stressful few days.
Monday was by far the worst day for me, especially Monday night. It felt somewhat like a dark ayahuasca journeyāa fever dream that not only felt physically abysmal but which also thrust me headlong into a shadowy psychic basement. I felt forced to deeply, viscerally confront and taste the evil of the world. It felt like I could sense every humanās shadows in psychic high-definition, and this felt disturbing. It felt like basically everyone was to some extent āpossessedā by dark forces that have āhookedā into usālargely unbeknownst to us.
Even āspiritual leadersā whose work Iāve appreciated were being shown to harbor bubbling, stewing shadow-modules of which they were scarcely aware. I felt like I was being psychically attackedāas if many shadowy forces had been waiting for me to be weak and vulnerable so they could pounce on me. Iām not making claims about the truth content of these feelingsājust trying to capture the phenomenology of what happened.
Deep, old fears of mine were being called forth and played upon: It felt like everyone secretly hated me, no one loved me, and everyone would abandon and betray me. All this was accompanied by a pounding headache, throbbing body aches, a scorching fever, chills, night sweats, and what felt like a shrinking esophagus, making it difficult to breathe.
Monday night was also the worst night for Baby Lila, who was feverish and crying, so while going through my own personal hell I was also speaking with Tanja, trying to decide whether to take Li to a hospital, while messaging friends asking if they happened to know any pediatricians on the island who would be reachable if Liās condition worsened.
Eventually we all fell asleep, and āthankfullyā when we woke the next morning, the worst seemed to have passed. The next few days were achey, slow, sweaty, emotional, and not at all a walk in the park, but they were a vast improvement over that first night. Itās now Saturday. As I write Iām laying in a long chair-bed-thing in the yard at our AirBnb, soaking in some sun rays. My body still aches a bit. Iām still low-energy. I still have a minor cough, a tickle in my throat, and some phlegm Iām spitting up here and there. Yesterday a fair bit of angry and depressive energy came up. Iām glad to report that today Iām back to feeling more myself, psychologically balanced, relatively okay.
āā
Fast forward a couple more days. Itās now Monday again, one week having gone by since the Corona struck.
Last Monday was also the day that I wrote and published āPay No Attention to the Warāāa piece that Iāve since unpublished. I resonate with a decent chunk of what I said in that piece, but I also ended up feeling like that post was in some ways the beginning of my Corona purge. I feel like it didnāt come cleanly from my heart, and I feel like it had some of that non-dual bypass-y energy that I spoke about a couple months ago in āItās All Real.ā
I just wanna say that I send Love to all those affected by war and violence on the planet at this time. My heart is with you. I really cannot imagine what those in Ukraine and Russia and elsewhere are currently going through. All I can do is acknowledge the immense suffering and keep opening my heart.
āā
Iāll admit that Iām fairly surprised by the intensity and staying-power of Corona. Iāve only been ill one time in the past ~3 years that I can recall, and that only lasted a day or so. This Corona stuff really seems to be clinging on. Itās now been 8 days and still I feel weak, tired, kinda brain-foggy, achey, and Iām still coughing stuff up.
Iāve also been surprised by the emotional and psychological dimensions of the whole thing. At least in our case, it really āgot under our skinā at times and pushed some distressing buttons. Itās been a humbling and sobering experience for sure.
This run-in with Corona feels like yet another shake-up in a time when Life seems to be doing its best not to give me any sense of solid ground to stand on. The last few months have been marked by a lot of ongoing fluctuations: There have been unexpected conflicts with friends; unforeseen financial setbacks; abrupt partings with previous mentors. Thereās often been a feeling of bouncing: Bouncing between feeling like some kind of āguruā to feeling like some kind of fraud to feeling like ājust a dudeāāand back and forth and back and forth. Bouncing between feeling sorta-omniscient and feeling like I donāt know shit at all. Bouncing in and out of intense bouts of sorta-manic grandiosity. Going from a period of weekly reality-melting deep-diving with 5-MeO-DMT to now presently feeling like itās about time to take a long break from psychedelics. Going through profound heart-openings yet still noticing myself lapsing back into the comfortably aloof hideaway of closed-hearted non-dual bypassing. Bouncing between feeling like āAzores is the New Earthā to feeling like, āDamn, it is ungrounding af to live on an island in the middle of the ocean. Iām homesick for Iowa and my family and friends.ā Bouncing from feeling deeply aligned as a partner and father to sometimes wondering, āDamn, what did we get ourselves intoā¦ā Bouncing from feeling good about my ācareer pathā to wondering if I should just totally shift gears and learn to be a farmer or carpenter or somethingā¦
Soā¦ yeahā¦ itās kinda been a lot. And when you further factor in that Iāve been rootlessly wandering the globe near-continuously for almost 9 yearsā¦ And when you factor in the sorta-ridiculous amount of entheogens I ingested along the way, especially since discovering ayahuasca in 2018ā¦ Phewā¦ š Yeahhhhhā¦ Shit. Itās really been a wild decadeāone that would probably make Hunter S. Thompson proud (and Iām not sure thatās a good thing, no offense HT)ā¦ Thereās a lot to integrate. Probably enough for a lifetime.
Iām not sure where Iām going with this really. I guess I just felt like sharing honestly, from the heart. Feels like a moment of reckoning. I guess I felt like making it abundantly, undeniably clear that I am āhumanāall too human.ā Iām just a dude.
I donāt know whatās going on. I donāt know if Earth is āascending.ā I donāt know if āBabylonā is crumbling. I donāt know if Nature is benevolent. I donāt know what happens after death. I donāt know if I have a soul with a unique purpose. I donāt know, man. I donāt know. 12 years of hardcore investigation and countless unspeakably explosive mystical experiences have led me to a big, fat IDK.
Well, I guess I know a few things. I know I love my daughter. I love my partner. I love my family. I love my friends. I love animals, rap music, novels, saunas, delicious food, (disc) golf, bonfires, hiking, poker, kayaking, creating stuff, parties, dancing, laughing & goofing around, good beer, camping, long aimless walks in the city, and so on. I cried as I wrote about the things I love. Felt good and true.
āā
So here we are, on this island in the middle of the Atlantic, still recovering from Corona. To be honest weāve started to feel pretty sure that Azores, while a cool spot, is not our long-term base after all. Let me know if you have an idea of a beautiful place for a potential homebase for us. Weāre considering a possible return to Berlināthough we no longer have an apartment there, and finding housing in Berlin is notoriously shitty, so if you happen to know of anything, or know anyone who might be able to help, Iād be much obliged if youād shoot me a note.
āā
Seems somehow cosmically ironic that in this moment of deep personal reckoning and identity-restructuring I am supposed to be leading a 5-week group journey called Be You in a few days, starting this Sunday, April 10th.
Maybe itās perfect, though. It does feel like, in light of this Corona saga, I want to balance out the intended playfulness of Be You with plenty of rawness, realness, and deep honesty. I want to use art and poetry as vehicles to countenance and accept ourselves more fully in all our multifaceted complexity. And yeah, I also still wanna get playful and silly and stuff.
If youāre thinking of joining us for Be You, feel welcome to shoot me a note and let me know, or go ahead and register here. If the financial commitment is too steep for you, DM me and letās figure something out.
āā
All right, I think that brings me to the conclusion of this letter of reckoning. If you read all the way till here, youāre awesome, thank you for caring.
Iām feeling fairly raw, soft, and tender at the moment. I also feel grateful. And I feel okay. It felt good to be really transparent in this letter. I hope it was valuable for you.
With Love,
Jordan
Jordan is being Jordan. Join us for BE YOU, a playful 5-week journey of self-celebration beginning April 10th.
Dear Jordan,
Sounds like a real dark night of the soul type of experience. Sounds like a big one!
I can relate a little as I am creating a course myself too and the āimposter syndromeā and doubts have definitely been bubbling up in myriad ways.
I would say, keep moving forward amidst the chaos and uncertainty.
Be like the great teacher Ram Dass.
He didnāt pretend to know it all, but he shared his experiences and what he was taught and what worked for him. He gave people questions to investigate, all the while guiding himself at the same time.
This is the true Learn/Teach experience. We donāt have to expect ourselves to be all-knowing. How could we be while in our meatsuits? Lol
We know some and at the same time we continually find that we donāt know shit. And we need to let that be ok. I think just as you did here, putting it all out on the table honestly is super refreshing and inspiring. That is the best kind of teacher.
I would also say, be confident in what you can bring to people, as Ram Dass did.
You CAN make a difference for people even if you are still figuring shit out.
And I thank you for this opportunity because as I write this I realize that this advice is coming thru me not only for you, but also for me.
May you and your family heal well. May your stormy seas subside leaving wonderful insights and learnings.
Much love,
Kris
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